Go Further with the Sex Blogger Community

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Is Sex Blogging Only For the Young?

One of my readers posted the following:

While I appreciate that blogging is something younger people gravitate to, there's something a bit disconcerting that so much of this revolves around the young -- where are the folks in their late 40's-50's?? Are they just out living their lives with no time to sit in front of their computers? Or does it have something to do with declining sex drives/lack of interest . . . or heaven knows what?

Now, I do know there are bloggers out there like Dirty Talking Girl and Clayton Holiday who are no longer 20- or 30-something. But a quick perusal among the members of this community will show that a majority are well under 40. Not only that, but if you scout other sex and relationship bloggers "out there," it becomes obvious that few of them are spending any appreciable time chronicling sex, much less "alternative" relationships. There's A Perfect Marriage if you want hot monogamy, and of course a whole discussion forum devoted to hotwifery, though again, the age of most of its members is well below 40 from my casual observation.

So I ask myself: is it that the best sex writing is being done by the nubile? Or are older perverts like myself in the minority because our contemporaries are peacefully monogamous? Or have they simply given up? If it's not a crisis of energy, could it be that older perverts have to limit their activities, and are too busy boinking to blog?

The good news from my perspective and that of other older bloggers is that polyamorous perversity is alive and well at all ages. Last night I attended a discussion sponsored by Polyamorous NYC by Barbara Foster, Michael Foster and Letha Hadady, authors of Three In Love: Menages a Trois from Ancient to Modern Times. While the topic might have suggested a young trio of sluts, the Fosters and their long-time girlfriend, Ms. Hadady, were clearly among the member pool for AARP. I found this so refreshing, not only because of my own advanced years (careful readers will note that my first book appeared in 1776 just prior to the American Revolution), but because they showed that sexual deviance isn't restricted to the young.

You wouldn't know that from the preponderance of erotic imagery, either. When was the last time you saw a hot photograph of an older couple coupling?

While I would never presume to limit the membership of this group, or prescribe what topics should be covered in the various blogs, I would encourage everyone to re-examine their ideas about who's frisky and at what age sex no longer is important. Gloria Steinem revealed recently that at 73, she's glad the "combat" surrounding sex was behind her and she could concentrate on being friends with men. But if the comments on my blog are any indication, others are far from giving up the battle of the sexes anytime soon, at least if it ends up in sex.

My own writing derives directly from the efforts my wife and I have been making over the past year to "scrape the barnacles off our love life," a process that has found resonance with others no longer young. Just young at heart. So the next time you feel tempted to focus on that hot young stud or sexually-ambiguous Suicide Girl, ask yourself whether that gray-haired woman you saw on the bus today might be going to a rendezvous with her significant other, and will head home later to share the steamy details with her husband who's watching a porn DVD of Dave Cummings proving once again he can get it up and deliver the money shot.


Blogger Viviane said...

Only for the young? Definitely not.

Amongst the group I know, the youngest is in her early 30s. The majority of us are well into our early 40's.

Thu Nov 16, 04:28:00 pm GMT  
Anonymous Rosie said...

May of us are in the mature age range. (40s heck, more then that.) Suppose it does say something that we are reluctant to disclose our age (but that is a reflection on our society in general,) but not that we are reading and enjoying.

Thu Nov 16, 04:33:00 pm GMT  
Blogger Tom Paine said...

Well into the 40s? That's very encouraging. I'll let my readers know.

Rosie, you should be proud of your age. Have a look at my post "Is C. a MILF?" which lists some wonderful older women who are writing about their sexuality. Also Juno Henry has a terrific account of her fling with a younger man on this week's Sugasm #54.

Thu Nov 16, 05:31:00 pm GMT  
Blogger Anastasia said...

I'd say that the worst sex writing (hackneyed, orchestrated, stereotypical, cliched) is by those don't really experience what they're claiming, and it's transparent to those who have.

Ultimately though, where sex is concerned it's not about age, it's about attitude. A person who's experienced a wide range of things can be 20 and write well, their age doesn't make them bad writers.

I really think that those who have biologically entered phases that are scientifically shown to be the case, tend to exagerrate their sexual prowess. I personally find males who are over fifty, who claim to have 'rock hard' erections (equal to a twenty year old male) to be bullshit, and I think those fallacies lead to perceptions that aren't realistic. And those who believe the fallacies are those who are yet to inexperience males (or females) from all age groups, so it's best for them to not read a highly fallacious post, and get out and actually have sex with someone.

Thu Nov 16, 08:45:00 pm GMT  
Anonymous Christa said...

Sorry Viviane - I don't find 'early 40's' to be older. You still have a very high sexual appetite at that age -- I remember it well (& with envy). As many sexual relationships as I have now(with & without my male SO) - it's not exactly as it was in my early 40's. It's still good, but the body definately doesn't react as easily (or in the same way) to the same sexual stimuli as it did then.

Viva la younger hormones!

Thu Nov 16, 10:21:00 pm GMT  
Blogger Tom Paine said...

I don't think my older readers are objecting to the writing of the young, but that there is no way to see themselves in the issues and topics of younger writers.

When I was 25, certain things interested me, and I was incomplete as a person. My insecurities dominated my outlook, and were destructive on some levels. Now I am more secure, secure enough to offer C., my wife, total freedom, freedom even to the point of hopeless, irresistable lust, something that would've scared the shit out of me 30 years ago.

We all tend to look for writers who mirror our souls. It's no wonder that older readers are looking for older writers who are dealing with their issues (boredom, staleness of sex, changing libido, health problems, etc.).

Thu Nov 16, 10:21:00 pm GMT  
Anonymous Christa said...

Well put Mr. Paine!

Thu Nov 16, 11:25:00 pm GMT  
Anonymous Rosie said...

Mr. Paine you reflected my feelings in your second comment. I understand those 'younger' writers, but frankly don't want to repeat those life experiences. I've survived and come through stronger, surer, and more secure/confident. It seems I should start reading here.

Fri Nov 17, 05:00:00 pm GMT  
Blogger Tom Paine said...

Rosie, please drop by my blog which concerns the efforts of a middle-aged couple to "scrape the barnacles off" their love life and in general. It's a roller-coaster ride at times, but tackles issues relevent to men and women who are struggling with different issues than our younger bloggers.

And no disrespect meant to vivacious women like Viviane, who's in her 40s. They're just as yummy, just as interesting, but in different ways than when they're a little older.

Fri Nov 17, 06:50:00 pm GMT  
Blogger A Nawty Mouz said...

You might also consider the demographics of all bloggers. You will note that it does sway to the younger set. I think there are many factors at play here.

Ah, I could go way into analyzing this, but I'll stop that.

What I want to say is that the atmosphere and environment of a community will affect who is in that community.

If you look around and say "where all the {insert group}", you might find that the {insert group} is among you. You just don't recognize them as being a part of the {insert group} as well, because they are already a part of {your group}. Then, you get this reaction of "Hey I'm part of {insert group} and I'm here."

And, throw in that part about being anonymous, and you'll find many more reasons why you don't recognize who is a part of {your group}.

Instead of wondering why you don't see more of {insert group} in {your group}, welcome those that visit {your group} and enrich those that are already a part of {your group}.

(Well, not to put the whole burden of community on your shoulders, but you catch my drift.)


Sat Nov 18, 06:53:00 pm GMT  
Blogger Don said...

I don't find the sex blogger community age-conscious at all -- which is a good thing.

Come on over!

Sat Nov 18, 10:39:00 pm GMT  
Blogger Tom Paine said...

Mouz, I agree that we should never jump to conclusions, but the commentors here and on my blog seem to feel pretty strongly their writing needs aren't being met. It may be a matter of degree, since Viviane is a sexy, sexual 40-something, but still 10 years younger than a 50-something, whose issues and pleasures may be different.

And from personal experience, I find the number of women trolling the Internet for naughty bits drops off significantly after 50. I'm not social scientist, and can't explain why, but have my theories. If you don't believe me, just go to Adult Friend Finder and do a search.

Don, I read your blog, and it seems like we're tilling some of the same soil, though in your case, your SO is already at the place I'd like mine to get to.

Sun Nov 19, 04:55:00 pm GMT  
Anonymous badinfluencegirl said...

i know a lot of women who claim that they're done with all that mating crap

and a bunch who aren't. but then maybe it's just that the ones who aren't into it finally have the overies to admit it when they're fifty and up?

i'm 35 and i definetely find the perspective different when i talk to a 20 year old. at least with the people i'm younger than they remember my age.

i wish y'all would stop saying 'you're just a baby' though... i mean i think after 30 i get to at least be a teenager now?

Thu Nov 23, 04:46:00 am GMT  
Blogger Tom Paine said...

B.I.G. I've read your blog, and you're no baby!

What's weird for folks of my age (and my birthday next January makes me 270) is seeing younger people heading straight into pitfalls I could warn them about. It's hard to stand aside and let them make life-altering mistakes.

But you're right, it's not fair to call someone in their 30s "just a baby," unless it's "whoah, baby!"

Fri Nov 24, 04:33:00 am GMT  
Blogger Shay said...

Well now I feel really dorky as the only person to have selected 16-24 in the poll above (though if you asked me again in a week and a bit I wouldn't be in that group), but I like to think that I don't write like a "kid".

I think that the older bloggers actually tend to write better blogs, because they often more experienced and get less hung up over small issues. (Also, they tend to write better ^_~)

Fri Nov 24, 05:24:00 am GMT  
Blogger Shay said...

I just read my comment over and realised that it looks like I repeated myself!

"I think that the older bloggers actually tend to write better blogs, because they often more experienced and get less hung up over small issues. (Also, they tend to write better ^_~)"

The second time that I said "they tend to write better" (in brackets) what I meant is that their writing style is better.

Younger bloggers' writing can sometimes be messy and confusing - sort of a stream of consciousness thing going on.

That's not to say that bloggers over 30 are immune to messy and/or boring writing - I've read more than one blog that I thought was written by a 16-year-old, only to discover that it was written by a mid-thirty year-old - I only mean to say that you tend to see it less frequently with more mature bloggers.

Fri Nov 24, 05:43:00 pm GMT  
Blogger Shay said...

Not to be a brat, but if anyone is interested, I did a poll a few months ago on my blog to get an impression of my readers' age and gender.
You can see the results here: http://poll.pollhost.com/VGhlU2hheQkxMTUyMzQxNDkxCUVFRUVFRQk4ODAwMDAJR2VvcmdpYQlBc3NvcnRlZA/

Fri Nov 24, 05:50:00 pm GMT  
Blogger ~ Storm said...

J and I are both in our 40s. My sex drive never really "waned" but now with J is stronger than ever. And I had two teenage boys (and I mean they could not have been older than 18 or 19) try and pick me up the other day at the store. I like em young (25 or so) but not THAT young. Still, it was a nice compliment.

Sat Nov 25, 04:08:00 pm GMT  
Blogger Tom Paine said...

Well, I would suggest you try 'em a little older....

Sat Nov 25, 07:51:00 pm GMT  
Anonymous badinfluencegirl said...

tom: thank thee sir, i always appreciate a compliment :)

Sat Nov 25, 09:13:00 pm GMT  
Anonymous Brenda said...

When you're in your 40's, your sex drive is at its peak! It's a wonderful decade! It all begins to change when you're in your 50's. Didn't say it won't be good - just not quite what you're experiencing now. Enjoy what you have.

Sat Nov 25, 10:04:00 pm GMT  
Blogger Anastasia said...

Do blogs meet writing needs? For the bulk of bloggers they do, because blogging is, by and large, a personal undertaking. Writing for a market is a different endeavor, is more involved, more layered, and often requires more work than a blog post that's about a personal experience.

The question of whether a person is a good 'writer' is open, and isn't age dependent. In the Blogosphere, in the sexual stream, it all depends on what people are seeking and it varies.

I do tend to think that the older the blogger (not in all cases), the more focus on what 'readers' may want, whether something may (or may not) offend, etc whereas younger (of mind/attitude) bloggers tend to unleash things, without fencing themselves in, and I do enjoy reading that aspect, rather than going through the usual route where I'm not really reading an opinion, but a carefully worded post or a 'fence sitter'.

If people really desire 'good writing', in terms of the crafted paragraphs etc, they can always buy a novel, but Blogging differs in that it accommodates individuality more than a market.

Sun Nov 26, 02:12:00 pm GMT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just read the comments on here, and getting laugh out of the folks who think they (or others) are old if in their 40s! Even 35 in some cases.

Older bodies don't produce hormones as much as they did? Well, well! But they can be supplemented if you find a doctor who specializes in that.

Still not quite the same? Maybe, maybe not. But it's definitely there, and there real good.

---age 62

Fri Dec 08, 05:42:00 am GMT  
Anonymous Juno Henry said...

Just to chime in several weeks after the party ended...

I find that it's not that I'm getting older, it's that I'm getting better. Much better. And more satisfied.

Roll on, 40. I'm excited.


Mon Dec 11, 08:44:00 am GMT  

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